17 February 2012

Ins and Outs, Ups and Downs

This being unwell business is getting me down. It is lingering. Far beyond the few days I thought I'd be in for when this started last December 20th. It's nearly two damned months now, and there have been so many new manifestations of this unwellness that have hit me in that time. It as been a long two months of ups and downs. Sometimes I'm in, as in invalid enough to not be able to go out. And then I have a few snatched moments of slightly less broken downness when I've been able to get out of the four walls.

This photo is of the day after Oliver's birthday, when I cajoled the men to go walking the half-mile loop of the flat and easy Kingfisher Trail next to the Maumelle River at Pinnacle Mountain State Park.

That was my last out and about day. Since then I've been in because of another mysterious manifestation of my body's joyride with this mysterious unwellness which the doctors still haven't figured out. Whatever this has been, I am mighty tired of it. "You look depressed," noted a young doctor who saw me for the first time at the after-hours clinic a few days ago. Uh.. ya think, Doc? I use Doc lightly.

I guess I've been living under a delusion for the past two months. The delusion that the doctors would figure this out, and this would pass quickly, and my life would get back to normal. No such luck seems to exist in reality. Maybe that reality got stuck in one of the alternate universes.

Sorry, am I, for a less than cheery blog. Maybe I'm not meant to be in this blog space. Maybe my life isn't going to be one of those lives that people enjoy blogging about. Because up until now, this hasn't been much fun at all. I don't really see me keeping this blog going. Not unless luck, and my delusion, catch up to this universe's reality.

Many thanks to those three men in the picture up there. They are, still, my heroes.

Cheers, old blog.


  1. YOu definitely have a good blog here, and you write and express yourself really well. It would be a shame to not know how you're doing, too. But I know what you mean with these type of doubts- I've taken blog holidays before, where I haven't updated for months, just left a note to say I was taking a break and then left the blog as it is. Came back about 5 months later, I think it was.

    I only know of one person who atually deleted her blog, and she ended up saying that she wished she hadn't.

    Many blogs I've followed have just ground to a halt though. I think people just ome to a natural finishing of it, they move on, it's no longer part of their routine. Even people who've blogged daily have ome to just leave it in the end. It happens. Either they've got something out of their system or they move on to conentrate on Facebook or something.

    So don't feel trapped into blogging, if you need to leave it behind. But don't leave it because you think it isn't good enough or that you don't deserve a place here as that's just not true!

    Do you feel worse in the winter months? I definitely do. I long for longer evenings, brighter days. I've installed daylight bulbs in place of ordinary ones in some rooms, but I'm not sure how much it helps.

    Young doc's who know nothing- don't get me started!


  2. Thank you, Helena.

    I've tried this blogging thing so many times before. I've left a pile of them in the dust of cyberspace!

    But what it is, really, I think, is that I don't really 'know myself'. If you had a few days I'm sure I could talk your ear off about my stunted life and how it's a wonder that I'm still here. I know you understand that.

    I've gotten to the age of 58 without ever having found out who I could have been or could be. A few years ago our family left a small church I'd been in since I was 12, and it was a very stunted, small life I was in. I've been drifting ever since we left, like a grown woman who never got past age 12. I've come out of a myriad of boxes, head wise, and am grateful for that, but still I am left feeling like a 'nothing' of a person, which is a shame, because I wanted so much more for myself.

    Well, I know this blog is here for me if and when I have the courage to use it. I so admire you, Helena. I understand a little bit of your life struggles, and I love Bob! I love your artistic endeavours. I've been artsy all my life in small ways. Your recent post about your Sketchbook project is inspiring.

    By the way, Thank You for subscribing to my blog. You really surprised me with that. I don't have any 'real life' friends at the moment.. another part of me that just isn't working these days. I'll try to leave a few words here now and again.

    Hugs back to you, Helena.