Lest I grow to old to dream

I posted the following on my page at Facebook today. I post there about as often as I post here! Not a lot.

"Our time on this planet is sooo short. Some people - at least 10 fingers and 10 toes are pointing back at me - spend the greater part of their time here conforming to expectations .. cultural, familial, religious, nationalistic, etc, etc ..... instead of trying out different ways to think and live their life. I have given in to what I believed was expected of me, not knowing I had the right to question everything, not knowing I didn't need anyone's 'permission' to think thoughts outside The Little Box. I'd like to have a streak of fuschia in my hair. I'd like to wear clothes that don't make me look like the fat older woman that I am. I'd like to have the guts to be honest.. with myself.. before it's too late. Life is too damned short."

One of my failed previous blogs was called 'Life is Too Short'.

I also included this photo I took of a bi-lobed iris at Boerner Botanical Garden in Milwaukee County, Wisconsin, back in the 1990s when we still lived there.

Iris are my favourite flower.

I lived a life that was expected of me for so long, from childhood on. I lived by the expectations of others - of my parents first, because I didn't think they would lead me into anything that wasn't true and good; then later I lived what was expected of me by the church that my parent chose to believe in. That was such a

 closed:loop:little:box:world.

As I said in my Facebook paragraph above, I didn't know there were any other choices available to me. For all intents and purposes, there weren't.

It was about fifteen years ago that I finally realised how many boxes I was stuffed into, and oh:so:slowly that I was able to break through them, despite the spirals of deep depression I kept falling into and near suicidal events.

But even fifteen years on, I still feel lost in feelings of nothingness, of being no one. I feel as if I don't know 'how' to be. I certainly don't know 'who' I am, or who I could be.

I never learned how to be any other way than was expected of me. Sigh.

I don't have many friends. I never did, not even in 'that church'. Shyness is so often interpreted as being a snob. My sister-in-law once told me that that is what people thought of me, that I was a snob. Their loss.

The couple of friends I have now are internet friends. I have none in 'real' life. I'm not much of a social being anymore, and I don't seek out groups of people.

Maybe I will, someday.

I've always been empathic, kind, caring, giving. I love to laugh with others.

That's me being honest .. not being conceited.

I know I won't 'find myself' somewhere .. I have to 'be myself'.

Or is it that I have to 'become myself'?

I think that's probably it.